SIMON SAYS... - issue 19

Firstly, i will start by saying that i am an avid reader of an Australian magazine called RUSSH, one of my favorite parts of this magazine is that in every issue there is an article called 'Simon Says...' by a trainer called Simon Anderson. They give good advice and are particularyly witty and funny at times. most of all if on the rare occasion i am feeling to lazy and lethargic to exercise reading one of his articles always motivates me to get off my butt and 'Train Hard!'

i have only typed up one so far, took me a while as i'm not the fastest typer when having to scan my eyes back and fourth over sentances over and over again. Eventually i plan to get each one that i have a copy of up. But for starters, you shall just have to be satisfied with this one, grin and play calm... i'll post another one soon enough.

RUSSH australia. Issue 19, November/December - 2007

Ready to answer out fitness questions, Simon Anderson of Vision Personal Training, is our resident expert when it comes to fitness and fat loss.

DEAR SIMON, I'VE BEEN LETTING MYSELF GO ALL WINTER LONG AND NOW I NEED TO GET BACK MY BODY FAST! WHAT'S THE QUICKEST WAY TO SHAPE UP IN UNDER A MONTH? WE'RE TALKING THREE TO FIVE KILOS HERE, NOT MAMA CASS. HELP!

I told you! I gave you plenty of warnings! For the last couple of issues, I said start to get going with your sexy summer stuff, but noooooooo! You leave it last minute, and now find yourself trying to squeeze into a couple of bits of cloth no bigger than the tissues you were blowing your nose on in winter. make a mental note... muffin mix in winter doth make muffin top in summer.
The fastest way to lose three to five kilos... move to Hollywood and hang out with Victoria Beckham. Or Amy Winehouse. Heck, you don't even have to leave your home town. Just spend some quality time with someone who puts eating high on their "To Do... Later" list. Now, I know what it's like to not fit into a bikini when the temperature is starting to heat up. But i also know what approach is healthy to get you into your thong while still staying strong, and it ain't following the Karen Carpenter Guide to Nutrition.
Three to Five kilos in less than a month is do-able under a trainer's watchful eye, but i can't write about what is necessary action food-wise, 'cause I’ll have everyone from the minister for health to Anna Coren from today tonight gunning for my blood. The hardcore dieting it takes and the and the stupid amount of cardio training required, is unsustainable and just not good for you or my career. A lot of yukky stuff happens inside when you go completely nuts with your food, so I’m going to pretend you said three to five kilos in three to six weeks, okay? Good.
First up, for you to overcome your winter of discontent in such a short time frame, you must be prepared mentally for what it's going to take. You are going to have to put in some serious time at the gym or your favorite running track/park/beach to get the wheels of hot bod momentum cranking. None of this "I don't have time and i don't feel like it" bollocks. You lost those privileges around July, when it seemed a great idea to prove every night that 250 grams of cadbury's shouldn't be called a 'Family Block'.
Nope, if you're serious about this goal and the time frame... and i know you are... you will be doing a minimum of one hour of training a day. The longer you can exercise the better. How do you think people like Jessica Simpson blow-up like a babushka, then deflate to Hollywood standard size seemingly overnight? I can tell you she ain't just doing a "6 minute abs" program. no way! Two... three... four hours a day hard training. Mind you, wouldn't be hard to keep Jess on the treadmill for three hours straight... all you'd have to do is spray paint the belt gold, and tell her to follow the yellow brick road 'til she gets to the merry old land of Oz.
Okay, so now you know that you're going to have to be exercising for longer than you spend on Facebook per day, what type of exercise stuff should you be doing? Well, to get in and out of your winter coat faster than a celebrity does a jail sentence, the exercise should be stuff that burns a lot of energy. Running, boxing, using the cross trainer or the stepper machine are all movements that will get your heart rate high, so choose those. But you gotta do them properly. Get sweaty, get outta breath, give it a shake... you're not going to die! People wonder why after they go to the gym five nights a week for six, seven or even eight months, how come they're not getting the fat loss results they want. The answer's simple... it's cause they exercise at such a low intensity that they might as well stay on the couch! Low intensity exercise is great for health, and has its place in a program, but check out the bodies of the people who you admire. Chances are these girls and guys bust their bums when they train. Now, with shape and tone on a girl's body being the thing that really makes a bikini sing. let's talk resistance training. The first thing i'd like you to be aware of is this... you will not get bulky from doing two 30-minute resistance training sessions per week. If you do, I personally give you permission to come over to my house, knock down my door with your Eastern bloc legs and beat me up with your shot-put shoulders. And i hate getting beat-up, that's how confident i am that you will end up looking more Jessica Beil than Jabba the Hutt from training with weights. Choose big movement exercises that work a lot of muscles. These are called compound exercises and are the best for maximizing results in a short time frame. I'm going to give you four to start. So here's what you do... join a gym, go up to a trainer and say "simon says i should do the leg press, the seated row, the bench press and the lat pulldown machine for three sets. Can you help me, please?"
THEN bat your eyelids. Us trainers are suckers for the old eyelid bat! Let the cardio help melt away your body fat, and let the weight training do it's amazing job of sculpting your body better than you ever thought possible. It's all there, just waiting for you to step up and claim your right as a hot, bikini wearing uber-babe!
But try this... get a trainer... NOW! you've given yourself such a short time frame to get in shape that you have a lot of hard training to do, and it can be hard to keep kicking your own bum every day. Hiring someone to hold you accountable to your food and training increases your chance of success tenfold, and can even make it fun.
Good luck! And hey, if you do all that, and get in great shape and look all sexy and stuff, then please come down to Bondi Beach and strut your stuff. It can be your way of saying thanks to me. I'll be the one wearing the reflective sunglasses... Train Hard!